thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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