She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize