The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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