He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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