Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
