me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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