Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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