oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
