He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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