His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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