I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize