So drunk its hurt
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
