Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
