Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
