he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
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