Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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