Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
