party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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