Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
