I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
