Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
