I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You left your phone here
Wait...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
