And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
