This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
