The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
