Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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