I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
So. Much. Porn.
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