if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
