...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Randomize
