Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
