I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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