You're so nebulous sometimes
I seem to have left my pride at pride
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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