She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Randomize
