So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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