It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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