also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
