I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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