We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
