im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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