apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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