R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
