He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
