yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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