i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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