It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Randomize
