I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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