I'm eating all of the evidence.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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