Don't make out with my wife yet
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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