Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
He passed out mid-signature
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
