just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
