this beer tastes like vomit already
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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