What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
