My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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