hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
