I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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