when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
