My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
