i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Is Oprah even human
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
