I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
