My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
