I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
