just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
