I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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