I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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