He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
