Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
this will be a night to untag.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
