I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
