im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
it's like heaven, but drunker
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Randomize
