I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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