Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
