Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You need a sexual gate keeper
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
